She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
