I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
