I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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