im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
