My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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