Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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