I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Randomize
