please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
