Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize