A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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