Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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