Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I could make wine with my vomit
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
