so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize