Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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