haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
