I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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