I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
