If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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