don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
