I heard we made out
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
