I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
