I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
