I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
