So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
