oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
