DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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