you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
