Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
