fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
