I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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