You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Randomize