just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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