omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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