Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
