I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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