I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
