He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
