your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
