I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Text me some of your sweat
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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