We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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