last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Randomize
