Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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