the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
