Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
