They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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