I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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