Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
