I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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