So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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