I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
