I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize