You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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