I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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