Betty ford says i'm here all night
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
