I only kidnapped one of them. chill
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
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