I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
