omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
