The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
