My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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