sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
