Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
It was confusing and full of hummus
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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