Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
