it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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