i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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