the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
